look no pants
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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