end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
