Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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