i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i think i have two assholes
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
