don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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