I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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