I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
