I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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