So drunk, too bad you don't want this
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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