Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
