You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
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