You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
