Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
