HIV tests are more positive than that guy
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Let's paint friendship bongs
I just forgot I was standing up.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
