Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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