im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
operation harelip BJ is a go
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
