and my herpes radar will keep us safe
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
