went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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