The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
