The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
