I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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