a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
