update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
