Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
