Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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