Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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