he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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