guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
