U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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