just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
