Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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