I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
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