fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
