I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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