Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
