I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
