i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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