your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
