Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
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I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
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Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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