someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
