I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Randomize
