Plan B is the new Plan A
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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