Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
