we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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