we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
