um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
