I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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