This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
