Old men and throwing up are my life now.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize