Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
