I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
