The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize