i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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