Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
