Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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