I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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